Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.

Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It will be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely from location. Intended by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:

A three-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")

Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable h2o. But Of course, sure, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can don robes and simply call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst prior negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite on the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This can be smooth power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the undertaking, replied, "You realize, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"

In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."

Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head seen from space, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, categorized.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating mirrored so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.

"It really is not only unattractive. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Capabilities

Probably the strangest aspect with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium wherever attendees may well contemplate vague disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with local weather Manage established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.

Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Internet marketing Approach: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Appear"

The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."

Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:

"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."

Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the world"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

18% claimed "exactly where's the nearest elevator to your West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Disaster That Pays"

The job is currently attracting consideration from Global buyers, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."

Based Trump Tower Damascus on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even incorporate:

A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Portion Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Lastly, a lodge the place my PTSD can have transform-down assistance."

Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Ultimate Views from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You are welcome."

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